Studies over the years have shown that parental bias is frequent. Studies show that as many as 40% of adults claim they felt lonely or neglected as kids in homes where one child was clearly favored. That number is a little shocking, not because it suggests a family epidemic—very few parents would call one child “lesser” on purpose—but because it illustrates how widespread this unconscious bias may be, fading away via praise and attention.
Preference often arises from instinct rather than deliberate intention. People are naturally drawn to things they know; this is called the “mere exposure effect,” which was first found in social psychology. A parent may feel more drawn to a child who shares their interests or personality traits since the child is easier to understand and relate to. This kind of prejudice is hard to discern since it comes from preferences that seem natural rather than planned.
Parental Favoritism — Key Insights
| Concept | Description |
|---|---|
| Parental Favoritism | Subconscious preference a parent shows toward one child |
| Psychological Drivers | Familiarity, shared traits, self-reflection, and cultural biases |
| Common Effects | Pressure on favored child; low self‑esteem in others |
| Long‑Term Impact | Adult relationship patterns, sibling estrangement |
| Mitigation Strategies | Acknowledgment, individualized connection time, fairness over sameness |
There are other, deeper psychological currents at work. Some parents like it when their kids show off their objectives or achievements. It’s almost like they are seeing a younger, more flexible version of themselves. Some people may naturally favor the child who follows cultural norms or who doesn’t cause as many problems. Research from many cultures shows that daughters and younger siblings often get a little more love and attention. This pattern may be the product of both biological signals and deep-seated social norms.
But the effects are very different. It’s not always true that a kid on the winning side of the equation does well. They may feel like they’re always in the spotlight when they’re the “golden child.” They quickly learn that being loved means doing well, being good, and following the rules set by the parent. Performance anxiety can slowly take away the free feeling of self they may have had as a toddler, while silent anxiety might sneak in, hiding behind success and approval from others.
Years ago, I wrote about a brother and sister who were lauded for their social skills and their academic success. The older sister was complimented for her social skills, and the younger brother was praised for his academic success. However, both of them admitted to being afraid of something they couldn’t say when they were kids: the idea that love might depend on being the right version of themselves.
The most complex psychology of favoritism is exposed in that tension—the sensation of conditional love. When a youngster feels less loved, they may develop a self-image that makes them feel invisible. They grow to think that praise is unlikely, to distrust their own worth, and to regard neutral moments as rejection. What’s really going on is a slow, quiet decline in emotional stability, not drama. This can become firmly engrained over time, affecting adult relationships because self-worth and trust are built on shaky ground.
The favored child, on the other hand, may feel pressure to keep being the best, fear of failing, and the uneasy idea that failing would mean losing love. It’s a sneaky trap: at first, being seen as “the special one” can feel freeing, but with time it can become an expectation that stops you from being yourself.
It is clear that these dynamics are not the product of malicious intent. The roots of these things can be found in human psychology, which came before modern family systems. Even if these patterns are complicated, they are often not talked about or are considered taboo. Parents work hard to believe and show that love is equal and unconditional, even though small prejudices could show that people aren’t perfect.
What if knowing that “equal” feels different is just as crucial as pledging “equal love” as part of “good parenting”? That is a really fundamental difference. Treating every child the same is not fair; it is sameness. Kids have their own interests, emotional needs, and things that make them feel bad. People who think that treating everyone the same would get the same results often make mistakes. Equity is a more thoughtful approach since it recognizes and meets each child’s individual needs.
This is what conscious parenting is all about: being intentionally empathetic instead of just reacting. A excellent way to do this is to set out special times for each child, times that show them you are there, paying attention, and grateful on terms that are important to them. Even while it may not seem like much, a schedule like the “7–7–7” connection—seven minutes every morning, afternoon, and evening just for that child—can really help bring back emotional resonance.
Being aware of how you parent doesn’t automatically change how you used to act. But if you accept that you’re biased, even if you don’t mean to, you can make things better. In this case, parents should think about whether they are serving their child’s requirements or their own comfort level. That kind of question that makes you think could change your mind by making things clearer instead of making you feel guilty.
Favoritism also affects adults’ life. Adults who felt ignored often carry lingering mistrust or rejection fear into their closest relationships. People who don’t know about the quiet history that shaped it may mistake sensitivity for insecurity. On the other side, people who are used to being given preference could unknowingly go for situations that are similar to past acceptance trends in order to gain reinforcement in professions or relationships that promote a performance-based sense of value.
There is no way to know what will happen in any case. Awareness opens up new paths. To heal, you need to look inside yourself, and sometimes you need help from others in the form of counseling, mentoring, and connections that show you that you are valuable no matter what. People who thought they were better than others and those who didn’t often have to let go of long-held ideas about deservingness in order to have stable self-esteem.
The best way to look at partiality is to see it as a normal, fixable component of family life instead of trying to get rid of it. Being conscious of something makes parents more human, not less. It pushes people to talk about trends that were previously disregarded and gives parents ways to help their kids as individuals instead of as part of a hierarchy of affection.
